The world race was an incredible time in my life and God changed me from the inside out. So much good came from it, but since being back God has revealed to me something that I didn’t deal with. It is this thing called comparison……
So on the race I lost over 80 pounds, dealt with self hatred and self sabotage thinking, and just how I saw myself in general. I am who God created me to be and I know that now. The thing about this though is the fact of parts of it I changed not for me, let me explain…
So I lost over 80 pounds and since being back I have gained 10 of it back, not normally too bad of a thing, but I was frustrated that I have been doing it so easily. God showed me that while on the race my biggest motivation wasn’t to try and be healthy and change in that aspect, it was because I was surrounded by teammates who are ridiculously good looking and in shape. I was trying to be more like them to improve me, instead of improve me and keep it at that.
The comparison even hit me at doing worship. So I love to sing, act and dance, and its ust something that is apart of who I am. The last 4 months of the race I stopped doing worship and things like that because I am not the best at them, I mean I’m good, but there are those who are better. There are a couple squad mates who their voices are amazing, and I mean go buy there album kind of amazing!!! Well through my struggles I ended up with some jealousy and really just seeing myself as worthless in the matter of singing. I have had to work really hard to get where I am with my voice, and for them it is a God given talent…well God gave me a heart check….
I was so wrapped up in trying to change who I was, I never stopped to look at my real intentions. Its difficult to look at yourself and really come to terms with why you are doing things, and for me this has been happening since I got back.
I am working on this now since I now know. It isn’t the easiest that’s for sure, but I am glad that I know. Becoming the man that God has called me to is what I am living for, and if that means actually looking into myself that gosh darn I am going to do that!!
The people in my squad are some of the most amazing people I had the opportunity to do life with, and even though I was difficult and odd at times I am glad they stuck by me. God really used them in more ways than they will ever know to show me what it means to be in community. I went from a guy who could barely be normal around people, to someone I think people don’t mind being around. They loved me through the hard times, and walked with me in the good, and I a glad to know every one of them!
Needless to say this comparison thing sucks and I am going to stop doing it!
I am in need of $2000 by September 16th, if you could pray about supporting me I would greatly appreciate it! You can go to my page and click support me thank you so much!!!
