This season of life has knocked me on the ground and given me a metaphorical black eye and broken ribs. Changing who you are is no small task…but turns out I’ve been doing it incorrectly. God has recently revealed to me that I have been doing it more to be accepted by others than to just be who he has called me to be. This has been a pattern if you have been following me on my journey, well turns out I am a really slow learner as well. Meaning I burn bridges and remove myself from situations, while removing any chance of success by doing this. This is a problem that has recently clicked that I have been in a cycle of.
Being self aware is a really good thing, but knowing where I am has actually put a cycle of arrogance into play. The whole fact that I know how broken I am and not caring what people say (even though I do), and living my life in that way. It’s amazing how not giving people a chance to hurt you also doesn’t give them a chance to love you. By removing myself from the situation I do in fact not get hurt by others, but I hurt myself by not being able to know others or allowing others to now me….
It was recently also brought up that when something happens to me I take it as gospel and move my life around that. This is completely true and to be honest it sucks that I have done it. For example if one person tells me that I should not be around them, I automatically assume no one wants me around, and I live my life like that. Turns out this also has an opposite effect. When something good happens to me, I just grab onto it for dear life because “finally” something good has happened. This is also not correct, because good things happen all the time, but I have lived in a way that I don’t allow better things to happen because that thing is good enough.
I am now having to change my perspective once again…..this time though I need to do it correctly. God needs to be my center in all of this, and prayerfully I’ll get this thing figured out haha!
What this actually looks like I am actually not 100% sure, but I know that God is breaking me, and because that is happening Ill be at a better place when this season comes to an end. What the next season looks like who knows, but Gods got me and this one will be one for the ages!
