One year ago I flew to China for my first month of the World Race. IT really has been a crazy transition to who I am today. This has been the thing that my blogs have been about, but this is what God is doing in my life, and I am glad to be able to share.
Being on the race I overcame a lot of things, and one I thought I had dealt with was my self image. I had started the race at 285 lbs and ended at 205 lbs. That is 80 lbs and I never felt greater about myself. I came home happier than ever and really just ready to continue on that process……Well it looks like I still had to learn….
So being back from the race I have gained about 20 lbs back…and God showed me that I hadn’t tackled self image head on, I just thought I had because I was loosing weight. Turns out I used the fact that I looked better to replace my feelings and thoughts about myself, instead of allowing God to change my heart and be content in who I am. To be honest it is really hard for me to admit my struggles with how I look. I struggle with being overweight and if you were to ask me deep down how I see myself, I probably wouldn’t be able to say anything that resembled an attractive or God made answer. This I know is a problem, because I have been relying on how I see myself by the way I look in a mirror and see myself…..
I know how God sees me, and I know that yes I may struggle with these things, but through God I will have the victory. I have come a long way and there is victory in that, it just is really hard sometimes, because lets face it we live in a world that runs on looks.
This has been a product of me having a lot of alone time since being back in the states. Trusting God that CGA is the correct door, that even though I’ve gained weight I can still lose it…but no matter what it is, God is showing me I need to really start trusting him in the areas that I have always connected as my identity in. Like I said, this stuff is hard to admit, because admitting that some areas I don’t quite give to God well, and by doing so admit that I am still broken.
This however is why I do this, I go through the struggles and grow through them, and because God has called me higher, and has called me to more, no matter how uncomfortable I will take it head on.
I write this not for some sort of affirmation or for pity. I write this to be honest and real, and I know that God is working in my life..sometimes I just wish it was easier haha!
I appreciate all the prayer that has come my way, and I thank you for supporting me through all of this. This last year has been so life changing, and more and more my identity is being replaced by Christ! Most of my identity is, just sometimes I come to a realization I am still holding on to some things, anyway Thank you for your support, I couldn’t so this without you!!
