So I have been in CGA for a month now and God has been wrecking me every which way you could think of. We have been going through spiritual and emotional well being..and lets just say this has been interesting. For the past year I have been diving into this to truly give myself over to God and to let go of all the things I need to let go of. It has been an amazing journey and there has been so much growth! Learning to be the Mark that God has called me to be and to be the man he has made me to be has not been easy, but I have never been more confident in who God is!! The thing that is going on right now he is working on is a couple of things….
Control…
So as part of CGA we are required to get a part time job and this I thought would be a cake walk. I have worked full time since I was 14 and have held many jobs. I know how to get a job so I figured there would be no delema. Well turns out I was wrong here…..I found out that getting a part time job is difficult for me (not the actually getting the job, but the part time part). Not working 40 hours to support myself and take care of the things I need to take care of was not ok with me. Its been a month and prayerfully I start this weekend, but it has been trying. God showed me that I need to stop relying on me and what I can do and just trust in what he is doing, which I never realized was a thing until recently. This whole process has been crazy for me and its been hard for me to believe…which leads to my next part…
Beliefs…
My past has been something that over the race I let go of. Well for the most part that has shown to be true. The thing that I found I haven’t really given over is how I see myself and how that relates to God. God has provided for me my whole life, even in the hard times and for some reason I see things happen to other people I can believe God will work things out and go up and beyond for them. For me though, because I struggle with how I see myself I just go straight to, well it will happen for you, but not me because you are more important than I am. I even throw in I don’t deserve it sometimes and this has come to a head. I have come to a place where I have to rely on him with literally everything at the moment and God is showing me his love and grace. God clicked in my head that I have to finally let go of this self defeating mentality and really start trusting both in who God has made me, but also in who he is and how he loves me. I am to a place that when things turn back around I will finally Give God the credit and have no excuse to put it wont happen to me behind it. He is providing as he always has, but this time I am actually hearing it!
Relationships…
So this one has been difficult as well haha! Over the course of last year I came to a realization that I wasn’t very good at actually getting to know people. I have been so used to rejection that I got to a place I automatically assumed people didn’t like me so I just didn’t come around. If the case that I did show up, I was just self focused because lets face it, they will throw me out with the bath water anyway. One of the biggest reasons I came to CGA was to figure out how to successfully live in community and actually thrive in a setting with more than 3 people. This has been extremely difficult for me if I were to be honest. There are a lot of times I still don’t quite know what to say, and in group settings I just joke around a lot. If I were to get one on one after the initial questions that people ask, I still will just sort of stand there, because I am not really used to deep connections with people. If there is purpose behind the conversation I am good to go, but its the coming up with things that gets me. I watch people and there interactions and sometimes wonder how they do it. I am way better than I used to be, but I still have a long ways to go. I have been putting myself out there more and actually going to group things outside of class. One challenge we had in class was to come up with a couple of goals and actually do them. One of my goals was to intentionally ask 2 people to have a one on one conversation this month and I did it. Next month it will be 3 people, and I am a little nervous about it haha.
God has been showing up in so many amazing ways it has blown my mind. I am struggling through things, but God has the victory. I have been learning so much and am really becoming the man God has called me to be!
CGA has been incredible and the people who lead us are really passionate with what they do, and the people they are really reflect there walk with God. I am extremely blessed to be in this season and be able to walk under and besides these people!!
I have also started training for a half marathon which has been terrible haha!!!! For real though its been amazing to see how the more I am striving to be like Christ, the easier it is getting for me to live a more healthy lifestyle. Another bonus of community living is I am not doing this alone, which has been such a blessing!!
Anyway that you so much for your prayers and support!! God has been moving in some huge ways, and I pray that you are being blessed as well and are growing in what God is doing for you!!
