Have you ever had a moment where your walk with God is affirmed and who God has called you to be and man you are is affirmed in the process. This happened to me last night and through it all God has been speaking to me telling me I need to be romantic with him…
This is a strange concept, especially because I am a man. How do I stay as a man and allow myself to be wooed at the same time. How do I allow myself to be led in a way that is counter to everything that I am taught and told. Let me just explain a little about how this process is unfolding….
Last night there was a worship night for racers who got back from the race a month ago. In this God really showed up and it was amazing to see and be apart of. As I was worshiping, One of my friends looked at me and said that this was me. This is the man God sees and who he wants me to walk out in. This look that I got though rocked me to the core…There are few times in my life this has happened, but I felt seen more than I ever have. The way God was moving when I was told this I felt God speaking to me directly. I lost my words and made some sort of excuse…but in all reality I was completely broken and taken back by what happened. The way i was looked at, I cant even explain…but in a way I’ve never felt more confident in who i am…but God wasn’t done yet…
This morning I went to Monday morning worship at the office and I was glad to be going. While the music started I heard God say be romantic with me. This took me a second to recognize God was talking to me. I have been diving into who God is and what my walk with him looks like. I have been fighting through all the pain and rejection, and just trying to get to a place of peace with God. I have realized that I have been angry, and frustrated, and confused at what God is doing. Last night and this morning something broke. God showed me that who I am in worship and in “normal” life have been different. When I am in worship I am able to be the best version of me. I don’t worry about anyone else and what they might think of me. I don’t worry about my struggles or what might be happening in my life. Its just me and God and theirs no place I am happier.
God is revealing to me that my struggles with people and trying to be accepted has put a damper on me walking out in who I am called to be. In worship I can just be with Jesus and not have a care in the world…but when I step into the world all my cares are not on him. The fact that I have felt like an outcast and struggled to let people actually know who I am. When I try to let people know who I am, but they don’t understand. Trying to describe my struggle, when in all reality they are not walking my walk, so I just explain to the point they just accept where I am.
I need to learn to walk my everyday walk, just like I am in those intimate worship times. I need to not care how I see me or even the world sees me, and see myself like I was seen last night. God is moving, and I need God…man I need God…and I need to be romantic….
So this is the process, and I am trying to learn what this really means, but its good and honestly I am glad God has allowed me to get this far!
