So God has revealed yet another part in my life that I have been living in a broken state. This area is how i view authority and the people that are put there in my life. I first want to say that I respect every person that has been put into a place of authority. What I am about to explain can look like I don’t care, or even if as I am better than people, but I pray you can hear my heart and know that it is not the case.
Throughout CGA there were ample amounts of teachings and lessons. Many of these lessons helped shape me into who I am today. One of the things I struggled with throughout though was feeling like I belong, or even accepted. I have mentioned this before, but God showed me a big reason why this is. Writing this blog is honestly extremely difficult for me, mainly because its putting me into a place of vulnerability. Its also making me recognize that I did miss out on a lot of things I could have learned, but Gods grace is sufficient.
Many times in CGA I was talked to about not investing like I should have. That there was frustration because I wasn’t doing what I should be to get to where they knew I could get to. That I had actually negatively effected class at times because of my attitude and the way I put my struggles out there. This happened the whole entire time I was in CGA and I could never understand why no matter what I did, it didn’t seem to be enough. This thought process is actually a big reason as to why I struggled.
I never saw myself as enough and no matter what they said I could never see it. This has been a life-long struggle and every time I was corrected or told I was in the wrong, it just fortified that I would never be what they wanted me to be. My whole life I have been trying to prove myself to the world, and I didn’t realize that this was still in full force. I would see everyone around me having things click and being frustrated that I couldn’t get to that level. I have this thing where it takes a long time for something to click, but once it does I run with it. I either don’t do anything, or I go way over board to be perfect at it. This has translated into how I see myself….either I am completely depressed or super arrogant. This is where I want to transition into how this has effected how I see authority…..
I recently came to a realization that I only really see people as authority if they are paying me, the boss at my work, someone that is a threat, or in authority by name. This translates into people such as police officers or those that are in the military or anything along those lines. I built this as a defense my whole life, and this is part of the reason why i never really feel like I belong. This structure of authority is basically how we as a people live. People who are older, people who are put over us because of experience or knowledge. This structure is something that I separated myself from a long time ago without realizing it. With me putting myself as an outcast and all the craziness I started putting myself on the same level as everyone.
I never felt like I belonged because I wasn’t living by the same set of rules as everyone. People will do as they are told when they are told to do something by someone in authority or by someone they respect. For me I have respected those who are placed above me, especially those in CGA. My problem though is I don’t do stuff just because people tell me I should, even if I know that it is good for me. The reason it takes a while for things to click is because I take time to go over if what they tell me is actually in my best interest. This is why arrogance is a word that can be used to describe me. It looks as though I don’t care and that I would just rather live on my own and not listen to anyone. Parts of this has been true, but the thing about it is, I honestly do care what people say. I do listen to those who are placed above me, I just allowed my past to dictate how I processed the information. If I didn’t feel safe, or I felt like I was being attacked I would shut down, take time to calm down, and then process it.
I do feel really bad about how I have done things, because I have hurt people because of how I see the world. People have invested in me and it has looked as though I don’t care. I was just recently challenged to figure out what authority looks like with relationships and those above me and things like that, because if I don’t receive what they’re trying to give me properly, then what is the point in them teaching me?… This hit me pretty hard because I value all the times I get to spend with people and learn from them.
I have struggled wanting to just go to people for help in general. For relationships this has translated into, “I’m not just going to go to someone just because they can speak into my life.” I never invested my time if all the relationship is based on me going to them. This is what triggered my understanding that I had an authority issue. There are people who are put into our lives that are there for that exact thing. You cannot expect them to pursue you, or even to put you in a friendship spot. I have missed a lot of things I could have learned because for me having to constantly put myself out there has been exhausting and I eventually just quit doing it. I made the excuse that because people never come to me I will never go to people. This is another structure that people follow that I ignored. You have to put yourself out there in order to be seen, because people are busy and there are a lot of people in this world.
So when you mix these two ways people live and me not abiding by them, you get someone who doesn’t feel accepted, because he wont allow himself to be….So where do I go from here?
I am currently trying to figure this out, but I do know I need to start giving people the respect they deserve and not just my idea of respect. I need to learn how to actually allow authority figures to lead and fully trust what they are saying and do it a lot quicker. All I can do is move forward, but with everything I am, I am so sorry if you’ve ever felt like I didn’t care. If you’ve ever been placed above me and it seemed as though I wasn’t trying. All I can say is that I was listening and because of you I have changed…I’m just learning to do it in a new way.
