The more I dive into who I am the more I question if I really am enough. In class things are getting difficult because I am really trying to literally change the way I think and see the world, and this is by no means an easy feat. We were asked
where we were/ where we are/ and where we are going right before we left for break. I had an answer for the first two, but honestly could not come with an answer to the last one. This is where the question of “Am I enough” comes into play. Up to this point in my life I really have put myself into some hard situations, and set myself up for failure in many ways. Because I have lived this way the first two questions were fairly simple. I was at a place where I hated myself, believed others hated me and self sabotaged to make it so my life fit the way I believed and saw the world. Where I am is trying to fix everything and be at a place where I am living who God has called me to be, and actually see the world and myself in a different light. This has been extremely difficult, and I have been exhausted and almost burnt out in the process. How do you answer this question of where I am going, when where I am still doesn’t make a lot of sense? I am still trying to figure out how to be around people and just keep friendships, and figure out how to walk through my crap, but still function around these people, and do it in a way that they still want me around. I am trying to figure out who God has called me to be and actually trust and believe that I can live out ideas that I have in my head, or desires that are in my heart. How do you conviegh honest rejection of yourself in a way that doesn’t look like you are trying to get sympathy while trying to walk out of it? How do you believe your enough, when most of your life you’ve been told by people, and situations, and life that it isn’t the case…….and I have also noticed I am terrible at actually trying to get what I am trying to say across, so a lot of times what they hear is not what I am trying to say…..ugh…..its a rough time haha……
I know God says different and that is what I am leaning on for strength in this time….well its what I do most of the time……but trying to believe something you dont really believe, or live a way you have never lived is hard……..Gods got me though!
So am I enough…..honestly I don’t know yet
I know people will read this and say I am and that I am loved….I am just trying to get to a place where I believe it without people saying anything. Believing I am enough that I dont have to be broke my whole life because that’s just what I am….Enough to the point where I could do missions work and travel the world and live in other countries, because its what I want to do and feel like I was made to do……enough that I am not just someone people say “hey big guy” to, but actually am in shape enough, but more so known enough people actually use my name, and want me around to the point I don’t have to always initiate……More than anything though, I just want to know I am enough in Gods eyes and who I am and what I have been through was meant for his purpose. I am just trying to really believe these things and not say them just to say them…so its an interesting road.
I have come a along ways and am getting really close to where I need to be, but Rome wasn’t built in a day, but I am getting there!
Thanks so much for your prayers and support!!! I am $5500 away from being fully funded for CGA! If you could prayerfully consider supporting me I would greatly apreciate it…you can go to
markmanchester.adventurescga.org and click support me to do so!
If you don’t feel led to give, if you could just throw me into your prayers that would be awesome!
